Hey Asshole in the silver Mazda!!

Sometimes I wish I had a horn on my bike. Not one of those silly bells, but a horn that's as loud (or louder) than a car horn. Maybe one that says "HEY ASSHOLE" since that's usually what I scream at the people who make me feel like my life may end when I'm riding my bike.

For instance, I was on the scary bridge on Barbur Blvd. today. It is scary in that there is no bike lane and the sidewalk is raised and the width of my rear end. There is a big yellow sign that boldly cautions the cars travelling at 45+ mph that bikes are on the bridge since it is obvious that it is too dangerous to ride a bike on the elevated sidewalk. There are two lanes travelling the same direction on this bridge. It seems obvious to me that if there was a slow-moving vehicle in the right-hand lane, I would get into the left-hand lane to go around said slow-moving vehicle. For some reason, people who drive cars at 45+ mph on this bridge think that it's quite alright and safe to pass the slow-moving vehicle with six inches (or less) of space between them.

That is why I wish I had a big horn. Right now, I scream, but my voice is not as strong as most car horns. In fact, I doubt that it's a strong as a bicycle bell.

What would be even better would be a bicycle horn that had more than one "beep" that you could program yourself to say different things. It could be on your handlebars, close to your gear shifters so you wouldn't have to move too much to blow it. Imagine if with a flick of your thumb, you could have your horn say "Hey buddy, that's a parking lane, not a bike lane. I'm obeying the law! What about you?" or "Yeah, I have a horn too. However, your horn doesn't tell me that you're about to cut me off, so maybe you should just wait two seconds you stupid Tri-Met bus driver!" or "Yes, I may be stopped, but you don't have the right to pull into my lane to make a right hand turn in front of me. Back it up shithead!"

Maybe it's the stress of school rubbing off. Maybe it's because I generally suffer from road rage and since I don't drive much anymore, it's translating to my cycling. Either way, I wish I had a third arm so I could just give people the finger while I'm riding. That would make my commute so much better.