Status Anxiety

I have to keep a journal for my practicum. I send it to my university supervisor every week. I'm supposed to send it on Friday, but I end up sending it Saturday afternoon or Sunday. In any case, this week I wrote about how I feel in the classroom. In my practicum classroom, I feel rigid. I feel unnatural. I feel like I'm being graded and I need to do everything correct, so I act unsure of myself.

I also work. I have stayed with Head Start as a sub, and occasionally get called in to work. Friday was one of those days. On Friday, I worked in a classroom and felt natural. I didn't feel like I was being graded nor that I had to do everything correctly, so I felt sure of myself and I'm certain that showed. At Head Start, I'm one of two people in grad school. At Head Start, I'm one of a handful who have a Bachelor's. At Head Start, I have a high status.

My University Supervisor replied to my journal entry stating that I am recognizing aspects of status anxiety, which is a bit unnerving, but a healthy process of reflection. I am fully aware of the unnerving part, and I understand that recognizing this is healthy because I can do something about it. I can recognize when I'm being rigid at my practicum site and imagine myself at Head Start. "What would the Head Start me do?" could be my mantra. I could wear a bracelet that says "WWHSMD?" as a reminder. Then maybe, just maybe, I could be myself in my practicum.

I sent a copy of my journal entry to my cooperating professional. I wanted to get her view on things, and some pointers. Also, because my mid-term observation is on Tuesday, I want her to pay close attention to my rigidity, so that I can work on that for the rest of the term.

I do have one good thing to say about status anxiety. Whenver I have anxiety, I have dreams about airplanes crashing. In one of my most memorable dreams, airplanes were falling out of the sky at the airport. I knew it was unsafe to fly, yet when they called my flight to board, I couldn't keep myself from getting on the plane. It was like trying to walk up a down escalator. I was walking away, but I was moving closer and closer to the plane. When I have anxiety, I have dreams like this. However, with status anxiety, I haven't experienced such things. I've had dreams about buying houses, going to catholic high school, painting the guest bedroom and driving Grey Eagle. They were strange dreams, indeed, but not my usual anxiety dreams.